I think about how in high school I was voted "most likely to succeed." Now, nearly 10 years later, I think that's a pointless designation. And yet. I struggle with the idea that somehow, I'm not living up to... something. What is the definition of success? Money, an impressive-sounding job, fame? Somewhere in my mind, I must think that these are the definitions of success. When I graduated high school, I thought I would be an architect. When I graduated college, I had some ideas about where I might like to go with a career, but those things seemed to be less impoartant than a relationship with my now-husband. Now, I feel the need to make what I do sound impressive. Who am I trying to impress? It's not the people I live with on a daily basis, but people I haven't seen in years.
What I wish the most is that I could unload and dispose of all those ideas about what sucess is, and where I think other people think I should be in my life, and just accept the wonderful things that I do have. Is it a waste to have skills and abilities, and not use them in a way that gets me a pile of money or a title? I guess I think so, but really, given the chance, I don't think I would trade what I have for what I think other people might expect of me. However, something in me still wants to be more than a housewife.
What this reveals to me is the conflict between the expectations of the World, and the expectations of my God. I find comfort in the thought that God doesn't care if I'm an architect, historic preservationist, or gainfully employed. Am I serving Him? and I loving His children? I may fall short on those expectations, but these are the things that truely matter in life. Now, if I could just let go of the others that don't matter.